New 'Time Machine Vision' Technology Allows Scientists to Gaze Through Chronological Haze

Remember when the ability to see the past was limited to photos, videos, and other such recorded media? That's so yesterday because today we have Time Machine Vision — a new technology sure to change our view of the world.

A group of research scientists at the University of Condor: Imaging Center (UCIC) has found a way to detect, sense, and render images through the fourth dimension. This astounding discovery allows these peers to peer through history and even detect numerous, potential paths looking forward in time. The scientists hope to bundle this technology as a smartphone attachment allowing one to serve as a window to extra-present visions.

Back in early 2011, a young Ph.D. candidate named Gerald "Fitz" Fitzgerald was studying the effect of photons moving through charged plasma. As Fitz applied various electrical charges to the plasma, the photons would slow and sometimes reverse course. Before long, he was able to coax the photons in and out of existence using exotic charges, including that of hyper-static balloon energy. Fitz went on to earn his Ph.D. while not fully understanding the photonic behavior that he witnessed; it gave him fits.

Fast-forward to 2015 when Fitz was heading a research team at UCIC, where he was still studying the effects of the exotic balloon energy on photons in plasma. On Sept. 21, 2015, one of his student assistants was bending the balloons into unusual shapes when the idea hit him. He theorized that bending the static-source would bend the output, such that he could control the flow of photons. This balloon-bending magic set Fitz's team on a vision quest to see where this control of photons would lead.

Further forward, in October of 2018, Fitz and his team realized that they were actually sending the photons back and forth through time! They had brought in a team of expert balloon-benders (former clowns) who could shape the static discharge in any way imaginable. The clowns were making balloon dogs, swords, and dinosaurs to the glee of the scientists studying the phenomenon. Balloon dog here... static-charged-plasma-bathed-photon disappears there. And when the photon reappeared, it carried information of other timely events. To celebrate, they had a party with confetti, streamers, those blowy-expandy noisemakers, and soooooo many clowns.

Today, the new Time Machine Vision phone attachment is set to launch on April 1, 2019. They have adapted their clown tech (no clowns were harmed... yet) into a portable design that bends a tiny balloon inside to affect the charge of photons passing through it. The end result is that you, the gullible customer, will be able to see into the past and potential future to see dinosaur times, yesterday times, or even space times. The short-sighted scientists don't see how anything could possibly go wrong with this new technology and say we'll all be amazed by it.

Some critics say that an "April Fools' Day" launch may be a sign of a hoax, but those critics would be wrong. Happy visioning!